Discerning Trauma

Amayah Nevaeh Gomez

I have been writing this as the journey progresses. I wrote it for me at first, knowing that writing my story would bring healing, not sure if I would share. I knew it would help me heal as I laid down some of my feelings into written thoughts. However, I realize sharing our stories can also be edifying for those who hear it as well as those sharing it. But it feels difficult to share at the same time. I don’t know who will read these words; whoever does: please hold it kindly and if possible let it lead you towards greater intimacy with the Father through the Son.

She was supposed to be 18 weeks old when I went in for the routine anatomy ultrasound. Just the prior week, we had heard her heartbeat going at 150bpm strong. It seemed everything was going extremely well, therefore the news that her heart was not beating was as unexpected as a car accident. We know how common they are, yet never really expect it to happen to us.

It’s hard to even put into words the pain of a missed miscarriage. It’s almost like an elongated form of a painful emotional roller coaster that you don’t know when will end. The waiting was excruciating in the realization that although I still looked pregant, I was just carrying the body of my precious daughter. I wanted to honor her by birthing her so that her body would emerge whole. I saw her little body in the ultrasound, fully formed. Her little head, arms and legs, and organs. Just peacefully laying there as my body continued to attempt to nourish her, not realizing her demise.

Yet, although my body was unaware, my Father was in charge of every detail. I had faith of this but was faced with its reality as the process played itself out; consistently in awe of the way He answered prayer. I understand my daughter is blessed to be with Him. He brought her forth for Him and used me to do so. And because of this I have been blessed.

So what has my Father, Yahuah, taught me through my unborn daughter? The answers to that question are the reason I wanted to write this down. I guess it’s a form of catharsis. It also seems appropriate to share for anyone that might come across it while enduring a similar situation. But mostly I hope that whoever reads it sees the provision and love of an Elohim that cares for His creation. Also, it helped me to read other women’s stories and I wanted to add to the little that is out there. Although miscarriage at my age is common, miscarriage this late is not. I’ve joined a 1% group no one wants to be a part of and yet have emerged with a greater sense of understanding in my faith and awareness of my Father’s love.

There are so many things I’ve learned going through this that I don’t want to forget. A practical one is the effects of other’s reactions to the news. Even the most well-intentioned advice felt like a knife through my heart. I didn’t need to be told what to do, I needed prayer and Scripture. Empathy not sympathy. Assurance not worry. Faithfulness not anxiety. Scripture says in 2 Corinthians 1:3-4, “Blessed be the Elohim and Father of our Master יהושע Messiah, the Father of compassion and Elohim of all comfort, who is comforting us in all our pressure, enabling us to comfort those who are in every pressure, through the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by Elohim.” He is our comfort. He is always there for us. He did not orchestrate death, but He does use it. Through this pressure I have endured I hope to be able to bring comfort from the Father to anyone I come across in a similar situation. I hope my question is, “How can I pray?” Or maybe not even ask anything but instead just let them know I’m there. I pray for the ability to just be able to have empathy by entering into their world and providing my support. It seems to me this is the best way to be there.

Yahuah has also taught me that I didn’t take some of the Scriptures to heart. Perhaps much of it. We go through this life thinking we actually control the next hour of it. Not knowing my child had passed I was making plans for my homeschool and moving stuff around not even considering that I was not in charge of tomorrow. James 4 reminds us to always include, “if Yah wills it.” I understand better now that we may make our plans but He is in charge of our days. More than all, I understand that even when the outcome was not what I wished for, I can still trust Him.

I better understand grief too. There are unbearable moments and then better moments. I picture it as the waves of the ocean. Sometimes it is hard to stay focused when the wave hits but if I just go with it, eventually it would pass and I would feel the calm again. I’ve learned to hold seemingly opposite emotions at the same time. Gratitude and loss. Joy and pain. It’s harder when it’s quiet, although I know necessary. I know more waves will continue coming, but I don’t have to fight them. I can feel it and know it will pass and the peace will fill me again.

I never knew just how big the pain of losing someone you didn’t even get to know can be. The thoughts of what could have been can be overwhelming. When I look at my toddler I feel so much love and gratefulness that he is healthy and with me and at the same time so much pain that she’s not. That I won’t be able to rub the bridge of her nose until she falls asleep, just like my other children always loved. So as I enjoy incredible moments, I also have the pain at the same time that I won’t have those moments with her. I cry at the thoughts of what could have been and smile at the realization of what will be. Holding those two kinds emotions at the same time is new for me and I’m not sure that it will ever go away but I am thankful that Yahusha has shown us that we can endure pain well. That it does not need to overtake us and we don’t need to be afraid of it.

Yet the absolute most important lesson has been that although we go through difficult times, those of us who trust in the Word receive peace that surpasses understanding. Knowing loving people were praying was instrumental as I could begin to see prayers answered. It was incredible to see how our mustard seed of faith was able to bring His will into our lives and the answer to prayers.

One example was my actual delivery. From the beginning of my pregnancy I had desired to deliver my daughter naturally. We went with a midwife and were basically cleared to deliver at home. Before making the choice to go to a hospital to induce because of the urging of my midwife to prevent infection, my husband and I were discussing how differently from our plans this all seemed to be working out. I had prayed for a safe delivery at home. Now I would be possibly dealing with multiple interventions at a hospital. Yet, this is where the grace of the Father intervened. As it turned out, the only medication I needed was the one for induction. I thought I was having strong cramps when my water broke. And some minutes later, while my husband and I were alone in the room, I safely delivered my precious child. When I called the nurses to explain what happened, who would come to help me safely deliver the placenta but a midwife. I can’t quite put into words the feelings of thankfulness that washed over me as I realized that the reality of what had happened very closely resembled what I had asked for. Of course, the pain of my child’s soul not being with us was still there. But so was shalom. Full, incomprehensible, Yahusha-provided peace because I knew He was with us in that room.

I will probably always have the thoughts of what it would have been like to see her running around with her brother in the house. Calling her sisters over to play. How her hair would have looked and whether she had gotten the same strong personality her siblings have. I would have loved to guide her in the Way. To teach her to read and repeat memory verses. To hear her laugh and cry and hold her in my arms. I will always be a mom of 4, one with Yah. But I find comfort in knowing she was never exposed to sin and my Father is enjoying her presence as much as she’s enjoying His. Even more, that one day we will all be together in perfection.

I’m also so thankful for the love and support I received from my husband. His dedication to make sure we were listening to Yah and being obedient to His direction made him a steady rock for me. His strength held me up. I pray Yah blesses him abundantly for his perseverance in keeping our focus on Him. Our brothers and sisters in Messiah who diligently prayed for us through it provided the support we needed in knowing we had a team of prayer warriors. My daughters who stepped in during my hospital stay. Their beautiful hearts as they hugged me and grieved with me. Through such a difficult time, people who are capable of holding our pain with us demonstrate the compassion of the Father.

If you are reading this because you’re going through a similar situation, reach out please. If you don’t know the Creator, his name is Yahuah and His Son and our Messiah is Yahusha. He is good. This world is fallen, but His Spirit intervenes in the lives of those who seek Him. He is worthy. And He represents eternal life for those who love Him to the point of obedience to His Word. There is more to life than this one. Death has lost its sting. There is comfort, compassion, and peace in Him. Seek Him and you will find what your soul truly needs.

Shalom.